Shouldering the Burden
by Bobbie23
Summary: After losing Matthew, Emily holds on to her grief like it's a penance for not helping him before he died. Set post Demonology.


**Disclaimer – I don't own, just borrowing.**

 **Author Note – Spoilers for** _ **Demonology**_ **. My love for this episode grows every time I watch it. And I've watched it a lot recently. For those following** _ **When In Rome**_ **, the next chapter is coming soon (or at least before Christmas).**

Shouldering the Burden

" _Sometimes carrying the burden of an upsetting truth, and hiding it, is actually a gift you give to someone else. You bear that burden, so they don't have to, in a situation where telling them will change nothing." ―_ _Cassandra Clare_

The knock comes as a surprise to Emily as she finishes securing the wrapping paper around her mothers' Christmas present, the task was a distraction rather than a necessity as her mother wouldn't be back from France for another week. She glances around the apartment, wincing at the mess that's accumulated the last few days. Glasses and a few plates litter the kitchen counter, the half-drunk bottle of red and glass beside the roll of wrapping paper on her coffee table. She doesn't normally put much stock in the state of her apartment, she's not there often enough to make a mess, but after sleepless nights she doesn't look too great herself and she doesn't want any other signs giving away her inner turmoil. She's not too concerned about strangers knocking at this time of night, rather those who know her.

Emily pads sluggishly to her door and looks through the peephole at the man who dared to encroach on her space tonight. She rests her shoulder against the door, weighing up the possibility whether he would let her pretend she wasn't there. Morgan was the last person she expected after the way she treated him the last few days. She checks the peephole again and sees him looking at the shadow beneath the door, cocking an eyebrow and looking at the door sceptically. She hates that he knows her so well and realises she should have expected him to drop by unannounced after all. Either way she's screwed. He's stubborn enough to wait her out and he will undoubtedly ask her about whatever he has come to talk to her about when they see each other again after the holidays. This visit wouldn't have been easy for him and he probably debated for a while before venturing out in this weather. There were a number of reasons he shouldn't have come. And though she can't pin point anything that would win out over them, not at the moment anyway, he had.

"Emily?" Morgan finally asks quietly through the door so not to alert her neighbours. "I wondered if you wanted some company."

That's the last thing she wanted and he knows that. He would be the same. She notes the absence of 'talking'. She knows he won't push but his presence alone makes her hyper aware of his observation; it was the downside of being an intensely private person whose closest friends were predominantly profilers. Not his fault, it's hard to shut off when you're trained to see what others can't. She may trust him but she's not sure if she can repeat the words she uttered hours earlier. She feels like she owes him an explanation for her behaviour over the last few days. She hadn't been able to appreciate it at the time but he tried to protect her from herself as much as disciplinary action, pulling her back, stopping her when she was crossing lines she shouldn't.

She pulls the chain across and opens the door. His head craning to the side as he peers around the door instead for stepping in before she gives him permission. He respects her boundaries, despite turning up unannounced. "Morgan," she sighs as she holds the door.

"I'm not going to ask you to talk, I just wanted to check on you."

"At least you're honest about it," Emily says stepping backwards from the door.

She leaves it open as she turns to return to the living room. She hears him follow and close the door behind him. She ducks into the kitchen to grab him a glass without asking if he wants one. She ignores the once over he gives the kitchen as she passes him on her way out. She retakes her position on the sofa and lets him decide where he's going to sit. She expects him to choose the armchair but instead he lays his jacket over its' arm and sits the other end of sofa. She pours wine in his glass and slides it across to him, she doesn't top up her own.

Morgan leaves it on the table, quietly assessing her. "I didn't think you'd let me in."

"Almost didn't," her lips curve upward sadly. So much for the rule about not profiling each other. Then again, she and Morgan usually let each other push the limits of that rule.

"Emily," he starts. "I know you don't want to talk. But if you do I'm all in."

If spilling her secrets would change anything, she would in a heartbeat. Divulging will do nothing except cause Morgan to pity her and force her to relive memories she would rather forget. "I appreciate everything you've done Morgan, but you didn't need to. If Matthew's parents push further with their complaints, Hotch won't show you any leniency because I hijacked you and Rossi."

He had given her leeway to look into the suspicious circumstances but he would never sign off on some of her questionable choices during the investigation and she didn't want anyone else in line for disciplinary action by association. she knows Matthew's parents, even after all these years they still think she led Matthew astray. Not that she can blame them, he started acting out after she came into his life. She doubted they would let this go even though they begrudgingly co-operated with the investigation at the end. If only they had been able to see reason beyond their faith for Matthew's addiction, been able to look for another way to help Matthew than retreats and supported him in between the bouts of rehab she and Johnny convinced him to get instead of hiding his problem, behaving as if nothing were wrong and protecting their image within their social circle.

"Couldn't let you get into trouble all by yourself," he jokes. She's not in the mood to humour him by acknowledging him but his words from yesterday come back to her. ' _I'm trying to protect you. Grief makes us want to believe there's a reason for things when there's not._ _'_

He wasn't wrong; a mere suggestion from Johnny about Matthew's paranoia had been enough for her to go looking for an alternative reason for his death. Her grief made her susceptible to influence. She readily bought into their paranoia because she hadn't been able to accept her friends' death. If Morgan hadn't pulled her aside, she would have pushed further. She hadn't been able to disconnect at the time and took her anger out on him. She hadn't been able to see he was protecting her from herself. "Look, Hotch knows you're grieving. Take the time he suggested and-."

"And keep my head down?" Emily asks with raised eyebrows. The Benton's weren't the only ones she had pissed off; the police department had also taken issue with her unauthorised investigation, questioning their ruling of heart attack and dehydration. She expects scrutiny after the imposed time off but she doesn't think Hotch'll hold it against her. He dismissed her before she could do any more damage but they rely on local law enforcement and they couldn't have any rumours circulating over jurisdiction and lack of cooperation. It would reflect on the whole team not just her.

She is quiet for a moment, watching him. His eyes on her, full of concern, sitting with slightly hunched shoulders as he leans forward on the other end of the sofa, his hands meeting in his lap in a slack prayer position. "You didn't agree with any of our theories and you came with me anyway."

He thinks about her words carefully, trying to explain his motive. "You needed someone to be objective, you needed someone to step in when you couldn't. I'm not going to give up on you because you try to push me away."

That had been true of Matthew all those years ago. He had been unwilling to accept the way she was treated by his priest, a man he respected, looked up to, sought guidance from in the past. He questioned his own judgement, the way he had been bought up to revere the church and its' teachings.

"Thank you," she says.

"Silvano played on their families' beliefs, made them believe he was doing the best thing for their loved ones. I understood what they were going through, you too."

"This wasn't about me." It's a lie. It shouldn't have been about her but she couldn't help thinking about how she let Matthew down. His life spiralled after he lost his faith because her.

"Wasn't it? You didn't say much about your friendship with Benton, but he meant a lot to you."

Emily blinks and ducks her head to shield her expression. She can't control her reaction as she thinks of her friend who stood up for her only for his own life to fall apart. If Matthew hadn't felt the need to help her, his life would've been so different. He was brilliant, kind, funny, sweet. Then he changed became distant and angry, questioning everything, following Johnny as they experimented first with marijuana, then cocaine and finally meth. Emily had experimented along with them, except for the meth, she moved back to America before they tried it but in the sporadic contact they had she could see her once brilliant friend warped by prolonged use of both drugs turn into a rambling, chaotic, fearful man driven by paranoia. "Do you ever wish you could go back and trade places with someone?"

"Where I'm from, most people have two choices, running with gangs or staying out of their way. I did some dumb stuff after my father died and most of my friends were hanging out with them and I did too. I ended up getting into trouble with police."

That much Emily knew from when she met his mother. She never divulged the details of their conversation, knowing Morgan was under a lot of pressure and she wanted to allow him privacy in a time when all of his secrets were revealed.

"I was messed up, missing my dad. I wanted to be accepted by anyone, and if that meant running stuff for them so be it." Emily keeps her eyes on him. His own glazing over as he remembers. "Of course, I was caught on a few routine stops. Some of the cops knew my dad and let me off a few times, others didn't and my rap sheet grew. One night there was this fight and no one could look the other way. That's when Buford stepped in," he adds, his voice taking on a low, dark edge. "And I would never wish that on anyone." He clears his throat. One hand clenches into a tight fist, holding for a beat before uncurling. "Thinking about what ifs won't change anything."

Emily can only nod in agreement. Morgan's openness about his past comes as a surprise but he's right, it won't change anything. Neither will confessing her history with Matthew and Johnny. There's nothing she can do now to save Matthew, the boy she used to know, the boy who saved her life. "Matthew didn't deserve any of this."

"Doesn't mean you do either," Morgan presses gently. "He must have been a good guy."

"He was," Emily smiles tightly. "A better friend than I was."

"This isn't your fault, you never could've predicted this," Morgan insists.

"No, but I knew he was hurting and I should've helped him like he helped me."

"You caught his murderer, Emily, I think that goes a long way to repaying him." She humours him with a nod but it lacks any real conviction. Morgan sees through her mask and carries on. "You didn't make his choices for him Emily. He did. Doesn't matter if his reasons were because of you, _he_ still made them."

She's tempted to confess the truth, hoping Morgan will be able to understand. But she holds her tongue. Morgan doesn't need to bear witness to her secrets. Sharing her burden will do nothing to ease the pain, it's the penance for her failures. "Do you ever think about going back to church?"

"Penelope was shot the last time I did, not exactly the affirmation I was looking for." His words may seem glib, but he's far from it. "I think about it, but my faith isn't bound by religion. It's in my family, my friends, the team, and you, Em. I may not have agreed with you about the exorcisms but I had faith that you were doing this for the right reasons."

" _I'm scared."_

" _Don't worry, it'll be alright."_

" _Hold my hand."_

" _Always."_

"Thank you," she whispers, touched by his sentiment.

"Always."


End file.
